Weekly Tech Views – July 9, 2016

Untitled drawing (1)

Real tech stories. Really shaky analysis.

Thanks for taking time from bagging Pokemon and waging heated neighborhood battles to claim area gyms to read The Weekly Tech Views, the Pokemon Go of tech analysis. (1)

 For the week of July 4 – 8, 2016…

 Sponsor Them All
As everyone knows by now, Pokemon Go, the augmented reality game, is available for iOS and Android. You try to catch Pokemon out in the real world, and you can locate them via your phone. Of course, to catch them you need PokeBalls, which are scattered at various PokeStops–nearby landmarks like schools, museums, libraries, and such. Enjoy this innocent time of random locations, before all PokeStops conveniently relocate to highest-bidder locations McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Dunkin’ Donuts, and such. And watch for new “special edition” Pokemon being introduced: Big Macander, Peanut Butter Parfaitachu, Boston Kremelypuff. And such.

It’s Too Bad–I Imagine Wildebeests Provide Better Customer Service
Comcast struck a deal to include the Netflix app on Comcast set-top boxes. In related news, wildebeests have reached a deal with lions to share the watering hole for a few minutes until the lions go ahead and eat them.

Somehow “Sloth” Was Voted Down
In October of 2017, the supersonic car Bloodhound SSC will attempt to break the 1997 land speed record of 763 miles per hour. Of course, because when you think record-breaking speed, the first thing to come to mind is a bloodhound. Like Droopy Dog. That’s also why next month you’ll see all the Olympic track and field stars sporting their Nike Bloodhounds.

If You Code It, They Will Come
The Associated Press will use Wordsmith software to write automated stories for 142 minor league baseball teams, without the need for a reporter. This may prove to be more efficient and cost effective, but it’s also sure to infuriate baseball purists who have no desire to see anything change (they’re still getting over players using gloves) and are damned sure no computer can match the near-poetic coverage of minor league baseball in major newspapers like Lehigh Valley IronPigs 2 Buffalo Bisons 1.

Researchers at Harvard University have developed a robot made of silicone, gold wire, genetically engineered rat heart cells infused with photosensitive algae (what, again?). The robot can swim like a stingray, follow a light source allowing for remote control, and will, like everyone that goes to Harvard, spend three seasons writing for The Simpsons.

Because Kittens
Facebook will allow a small percentage of users in India the ability to download video to be watched offline. This is really important because LOOK THE KITTEN THINKS SHE’S ONE OF THE PUPPIES!

I Bet The Rotifer Figures Out The Pattern In A Couple Hours
Scientists have created a one-millimeter-wide Pac-Man maze. The maze was populated with euglena and ciliates(2) and their predators, rotifers. The maze provides a more realistic environment than a petri dish for observing the single-celled organisms, say the scientists. “Especially after we drop a cache of tiny weapons in the center for the Nano-Hunger Games. Mostly, we’re interested in learning whether Katnisciliate chooses Eu-peeta or Eu-gale. And when you think about it, wouldn’t Hunger Games have been a better name for Pac-Man than Pac-Man?”

I Just Assume AVG Is Part Of My Wallpaper
Avast Software is buying anti-virus maker AVG Technologies. The AVG brand will continue to be used, which is a big relief to all of us who have gotten so used to the familiar AVG thrice-daily UPGRADE NOW! popups apparently designed to make us feel like fools for believing them when they said the free version was so great.

A Win-Winchester Situation
Netflix reached a deal with the CW network to get their shows just eight days after a season ends. At the same time, CW’s deal with Hulu is going to expire, taking away a method for watching weekly. Great for bingeing, but I’m supposed to go the whole season of Supernatural not knowing if Sam is going to find out that Dean is, again, intentionally going to Hell, sacrificing himself to save the world from this season’s version of THE APACOLYPSE? Or was it Sam’s turn, again, to stoically accept his duty to preserve humanity? I don’t know, as far as I can tell from sporadic viewings, each season there are like eight tearful goodbyes, they each die three or four times, get resurrected, every friend they make dies their own ghastly death and stays dead, and, most supernaturally, the show has lasted about ten seasons and will apparently never be cancelled.

Snapchat has introduced a section called My Eyes Only, where you can put snaps that can only be accessed by entering a PIN. “Oh, a PIN? That’s tougher to hack than an email password, right?” said celebrities as they ripped off their clothes and the sound of clicking cameras filled the air over Hollywood like millions of castanets.

Not Again!
Researchers have discovered that motion sensor data in a wearer’s smartwatch can be used to determine their PIN entered at an ATM or on a QWERTY keypad. Said celebrities, “Where are my pants?! Delete! Delete!”


This is issue number 52 of the Weekly Tech Views, which, by my calculations, means I’ve had the honor of providing this foolishness for a year. In honor of this occasion, the best-selling(3) ebook collection of 2015 WTV’s–The Internet is Like a Snowblower–is now just 99 cents at Amazon! I know, you can’t click here fast enough!

And if you’re rooting Tom and Jennie on in the Movie Draft, well, go ahead and read the CRUMDUM, but reign in your expectations for a few weeks. Things may get a little ugly before the comeback commences.

Okay, thanks for reading, but get back out there. It’s not called Pokemon Sit Down And Rest. Look, a Nidoran! Go!

(1) No idea what that means.

(2) Euglena and the Ciliates were previously, of course, the band behind the 1983 hit Walking on Sunshine.

(3) It’s the best any book I’ve written has sold.

Mike Range

Creative Commons License
Weekly Tech Views by Mike Range is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.